I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
