Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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