one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
