We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
only you would photoshop your dick
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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