i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
