Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
