I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
