i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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