he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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