What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
