There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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