what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
