I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
