Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
