When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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