I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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