I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
