so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
