I cockslap morals
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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