I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
