how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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