3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
