Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
