I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
