So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
