Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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