I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
