we have pet lesbian snakes
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
