no, he came in my armpit
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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