you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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