We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
