Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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