I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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