"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
