Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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