When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
