If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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