I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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