Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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