Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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