Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
