Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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