Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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