It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
