If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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