6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
