gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
