i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
