it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
