My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
