If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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