if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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