He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
look no pants
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
