I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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