It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
