Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
