So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
