Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
