Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
