my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
His nipple licking is glorious
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