Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
